Sender:   PHYDESBONNET@IE.UCG.VAX1
From:     "Scott L. Baker" <BAKER@EARN.VUCTRVAX>
Subject:  A few tips on C...
 
 
(This came from USEnet...)
 
 
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From: ms0p+@andrew.cmu.edu (Michael Gordon Shapiro)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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(Left on the blackboard by students in a Real-Time Systems course)
 
                        How to program in "C"
                        ---------------------
1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
   quite understand.
 
 
 
 
                        How to debug a "C" program.
 
                        ---------------------------
 
1] If at all possible, don't.  Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler.  This won't fix the
bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
 
 
--
 
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"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"
 
"No, and neither does my program..."
 
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--
=========================================================================

Dear Friends,
 
 There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are
forced to write in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2
by saying "PRINT 2+2" or something equally laconic (indeed the
older ones amongst us can actually do such calculations in our
heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2 GIVING THE
ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN
TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING"
 
 So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here
is a typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary
confinement with nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company.
 
Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English
Dictionary (20-odd volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when
this request denied.
 
Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own
dictionary from bits of bed linen and stale soup.
 
Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it
to add two and two.
 
Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual.
 
Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency
engineering.
 
Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend
codes.
 
Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his
warder brings him a bowl of porridge.
 
 ... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete
cure can be guaranteed.
 
 Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with
the campaign, I just want some money.
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